[Derp, I suck]

[cluck: the sound EMS's dinner makes right before he kills it. Side dish: It begins with a shuck.]

Why I oughta . . .

[Huck, aka Huck Finn, aka Huckleberry Finn. Beloved fictional character created by Mark Twain, portrayed multiple times on television and the silver screen, though never by Alan Ruck.]

[puck, hockey. Go-to pejorative of old-school stand-up Don Rickles. Example: "You are a hockey puck."]

[pluck, aka moxie]

[Schuck, John. American character actor, born in Boston, Mass., Feb. 4, 1940, the son Mary (nee) Hamilton and Conrad Schuck]

[Justin Tuck]

OK, call me idiosyncratic, but whenever I have an erection, which, to be honest, is most of the time, very rarely does it "dangle there." The lone exception is during this, the yuletide season, when it is weighed down by colorful lights, assorted wreaths, faux packages, playful ornaments, tinsel, mistletoe,…

Hey, if it's Patriot League cupcakes you want, try the delightful red-velvets I made for tonight's meeting of the Tea Party splinter group I founded after those namby-pamby Teabaggers refused to carpet-bomb the local offices of the IRS and to strafe with precision-guided munitions the seaside home of Alec Baldwin. You…

I'd prefer that you say it with chocolates.

However, having issued invitations to the "1st Annual" celebration rather than to one that organizers plan to hold annually, Jones is still suspended from the Strunk & White Classic.

You could also say that it doesn't cut the mustard.

Sure, there are a lot of awful bowl games with tacky corporate sponsorships, but I think you'll agree that the tackiest is the annual Post-It Note Bowl in Cynthiana, Kentucky.

Then again, Ortiz helped Rudolph only on the condition that Santa bring him his fucking RBI.

Ooh, an oompah version of Don't Worry Be Happy?

Also asking for a fucking dog this Christmas: Joel Monaghan.

ShortCenter: Rachel Nichols Does Shtick

In case you're wondering, "ass liquor" is what Whitlock makes when he sits too long on a potato.

"Cheddar? I hardly know her! Oh, but choke her, yeah, of course, she's my daughter."