He actually unintentionally did some good work there, though. Ed Hardy’s brand needed to be killed.

I posted this above but this was quite eyeopening

But did the woman ask them if they knew when Christmastime was at all? Because that’s the important question.

If the FDA would like to recommend a better way to eat my feelings I’d love to hear it.

Seriously though, why does baking remove the deliciousness?

The flour currently in my kitchen was purchased at least one move ago. Last time I moved was 2014, so my flour’s clean. Bring on the cookie dough!

“What was the name of that movie I hated about the total idiot?”

Huh.

Schumer is angry when a fan wants to take her picture without her consent so her response is to take his picture then shit shame him across the Internet. Was that supposed to be a “lesson” for all the little people?

It's relevant when a family is trying to smear the police department and their deaths were in the commission of a crime.

I’m fat and have an old toilet with a small circumference seat at home. I pretty much make an air tight seal when I sit down to shit. If I stay seated to wipe, I would literally have to lean so far forward that my nose would be touching the bathroom floor.

I actually can't even picture how you wipe your ass while sitting. Like, I reach my hand pretty much into the toilet bowl under my balls? What if I took an enormous shit that is peaking above the water? Why would anyone risk that? I wasn't even aware sitting to wipe was a thing people did. What the actual fuck.

Abby needs about 4-12 years in an immersive antiracism program

This would be quite effective were it not for the fact that “women: you have to treat them like sh*t” is the subtext for the entire Republican party.

I wonder where Rick Scott has hidden his horcruxes. We need to find them and stop him.

You can pry “The Communists are in the funhouse” from my cold dead hands

The best part of this is how in the still image for the video, that lady in the background looks like “Stop talking stop talking stop talking oh my fucking god just stop talking right now goddamnit Cheryl.”