Why would you drag poor Garfield into this?

Dude. Deadly Women is my jam.

Ha! Suck it, you entitled little shitstain.

Haha—fortunately he just wrote me a warning.

This is my husband’s and my stock response to anything pretentious. He does a rad fake-burp.

Hey, fellow Kentuckian!

I get that too, and I COULD NOT BE WHITER. It baffles me. A cop recently wrote me a warning for a lapsed registration, and when I got home I noticed he’d put my race as “Hispanic.” Seriously? I AM SO WHITE. I look like Morticia Addams, you guys, for realz.

In a heartbeat. Or shall I say, a heartBLEAT.