No public figure takes an apolitical photo with a dictator. But also: no one should suffer racist slurs! The former certainly does not justify the latter.

Ah, you're confusing it with Tiny Hands and Foot-in-Mouth Disease, which, although not particularly contagious, is quite difficult to treat.

Scientists literally look through space for signs of oceans elsewhere.

It’s no surprise that a guy who couldn’t read defenses also can’t read basic scientific facts.

Oof, this take belongs in a toilet, where it can—ahem—whirlaway.

I would pay actual money to ride along on your first road trip with children.

Nah, but your future children -will- invent new ways to completely invalidate your awesome forsight.

Hey, look, a Guy Who Doesn’t Have Kids just solved Having Kids! Calling all Dads! Get over here and thank this man!

I gotta say, I dig the two-tone basketball. It’s just more fun.

If he’s smart, he’ll save up for a piece of string.

“No way I’m getting involved in a basketball dispute. I took my ex-wife to a Knicks game once — there was guy sitting in her seat. I told her, take mine; I told him, she’s yours now! Never saw either of them again.”

My god, he would live forever. 

Cousins: Hi, I’m looking for something that will serve as a symbol of my fleeting physical existence.

This is the game now. Say one thing, then say the opposite. If anyone asks about it, agree. 

“Your honor, federal law requires us to meet a very high bar, and as you can see the MGM Mandalay Bay has many bars, some of them even on the very top floor of our fine hotel, which as you can see is very high.”

Can we discuss the part where Putin literally says, “And now the ball is in your court.”

I think Trump showed his hand in that infamous 2000 Fortune interview, when he said, “It’s very possible that I could be the first presidential candidate to run and make money on it.”

It’s possible a customer isn’t leaving a tip like this so much as they just don’t want the change. There are times I feel awkward at a grocery story waiting to get a few pennies back from the cashier. I don’t really want pennies, but I also don’t really want to be the kind of person who doesn’t take money.

You know what, Chicago? I take back everything I’ve ever said about you. You’re alright.

Yeah, but you double space your sentences like an old.