It always amazes me how truly terrible people are able to find friends and loved ones who willingly choose to spend time with them.

Normally, I feel that if you're having trouble working with multiple different people, the problem is likely on your end and not theirs. However, I think I have to make a Victoria Jackson exception to that rule.

Thanks for the tip. Cleanliness is one of my top priorities when publicly masturbating.

I think we both know exactly what he was expecting to find.

They still beat the pro-life rally people that come to town every January. I always know when they had their rally based on the number of pictures of aborted fetuses lying on the ground as I cross the mall. They may be pro-life, but they are decidedly anti- trash can.

Just boo.

Right now, I should be compiling a list of all the work my team members didn't complete. Those lazy slackers were probably spending their days commenting on pop culture websites instead of working.

Boo.

Dang, I really wanted to see where things went with you and Jackie.

They may take away my ability to snottily correct people when they say "brontosaurus", but at least I'll still be able to tell people that pterodactyls weren't actually dinosaurs.

I'm starting to regret getting "Apatosaurus 4 Life" tattooed across my chest.

Does that also explain Vanna White's continued employment? She doesn't even have to flip the letter tiles anymore, for Christ's sake.

When I first saw the headline, I thought our corporate overlords were forcing random strangers to marry for their own amusement. I like that option better than "Hey look, our last names mean something when you combine them!"

How do you feel about "hand crafted"?

I disagree with your proposed modifications to the list and will quickly escalate to personal insults when you attempt to defend your choices.

I'm going to ace the swimsuit portion of the competition this year.

On the plus side, the employees don't have to hear as many Number Two related jokes.

Well look at the fancy pants over at the AV Club that never tasted their finger after sticking it in their ear.

I used to spend hours there every winter desperately trying to find one
single coat that wouldn't get me made fun of. I was usually
unsuccessful.

I watched that movie so many times when I was 12/13ish that I can still quote most of it from memory. I also owned the soundtrack.