Maybe just change your title to "Assitect" or something.

I recently changed my porn name to Lee J. Knobb to better reflect the intensity and lived-in realism of my performances.

When there was only one set of footprints, that's when Kenny Loggins was carrying you.

The MRA Bat-signal is a penis so small it just looks like another star in the night sky.

I'M YOUR BABY TONIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.

We really need some better slurs for white people.

It's like I always say, you can't make a prison omelet without prison breaking some eggs.

Having watched that Scientology series she did, Leah Remini is way funnier than Kevin James. It's like a bitter, foul-mouthed sense of humor she has. Make a show where she's borderline abusive to Kevin James and I might watch.

They're showing Taken on LMN right now and I hate it when Lifetime wastes my time with real actual movies. However I am delighted to note that Xander Berkeley plays a yuppie asshole dick stepdad in this. Usually he plays either a yuppie asshole or a dick stepdad, but this role combines both archetypes and is just…

This was also the title of my later-discredited memoir about being a heroin-addicted rifleman in Afghanistan.

Too ethnic.

On the one hand, I don't like Donald Trump. On the other hand, I don't like Kathy Griffin. On the other hand, I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch. So, you can see, I'm in quite the pickle here.

YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just got around to His Girl Friday. That Rosalind Russell has gams for days, I tells ye!

This is a premise for a terrible improv scene, not a feature-length film.

Did you have to convert to Pittsburghism before hand, and was it a traditional Pittsburgh ceremony?

This is better if you imagine him saying it out of his ass.

I love that movie he was in with Paris Hilton, The Yachty and the Nottie.

I can almost guarantee you their prop people are filling an animatronic Kathy Griffin with blood right now.

You're thinking of Kengo Swurthy, my Ultimate Fighting alias.