People are jerks is definitely an earthly reason

Is the secret that they're simply vehicles to move a product and create revenue streams for a corporation?

An evil wizard rent Andy's father's soul in twain and used it to construct the living toys of the planet.

If they were actual witches and lived through these ordeals, what the fuck would the townsfolk do? Clearly they can't kill them, and then they'd just use their witch powers to torment the masses. Idiots.

*sax bridge*

I bet it's destroying Merican' values somehow!

Yeah, I was a happy and then depressed drunk, not a fighty drunk, the worst kind of drunk!

No you're thinking of Splorp and Splorp Extreme.

Gentleman, behold! More corn!

Obi-Wan was a Sith Lord. It is the only logical conclusion.

Oh shit I'm going to get sued again aren't I?!

If I can "compensate" scientists for the actual useful research they conduct with citations in an article, could we do the same thing here? Would he be happy with something like

I guess he's just admitting his interviews were full of shit and pure fiction then.

I can just eat raw celery for days man. Crunch crunch crunch… I need it for fiber.

Huge fan of Wisconsinites, apparently

NO! It should be PFQ!

We have a brand of gas stations where I live called PDQ and I suddenly realize it stands for "Pretty Damn Quick."

"Bununus" is fun to say

Dear lord that "I don't want a poor person in charge of economic issues," was one of the more absurd things I've seen come out of his mouth. "WHY WOULD POOR PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE A SAY IN MATTERS OF MONEY?" Not to mention it doesn't make any sense I doubt anyone getting appointed would be coming directly out of poverty.

"What the healthcare bill is actually doing is giving everyone under the $30k threshold $10 million dollars! You're all rich now! The check is in the mail, just wait for it, we'll be providing weekly 'check delivery status' updates for you!"