I Actually Really Dig Ghost Hunters
Its like a real life version of Ghostbusters, but instead of Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd, it stars Tony Danza, Joey Buttafuco and a buncha drunk guys from their softball league.

This Doesn't Bode Well
For my staring role in the planned story arc where The Cape faces off against his arch enemy…The Drapes!

Whatever It Takes
To keep "Two And A Half Men" off the air (besides the 6 times a day its on in syndication), sounds A-OK to me.

So to all you other Jews all across the land
Take it from me
Nazis just don't understand

Can't Be More Devastating Than Last Year's
At last year's gathering I got dysentery, genital warts and a tattoo of Magilla Gorilla smoking a huge-ass banana joint. I scarcely see how this years' festival could be any more devastating.

Have A Heavy Metal Holiday All!!
And in honor of this festive gift-giving season, I made this video for you and all your loved ones.

This Is An Important Career Stepping Stone
For Cook's upcoming dramatic turn in the bio-pic about Gerald Miller, the pioneering auteur behind the "Bang Bus" series of films.

And To Think
They all called me mad back at the lab when I said I'd create life forms based entirely on the molecular components of crystal meth, herpes and a car alarm. Well who's laughing now, eh?!! Now dance for me Die Antwoord!! Dance for your creator!!

This Movie Is Why
Owen WIlson attempted to commit suicide.

Once A Year
I get drunk in a darkened house, for a week. I get drunk and I watch "Eraserhead". As I think we all do sometimes.

From Her List Of Demands
#10-No one, including Mrs. Lopez's own reflection from stationary or hand-held mirrors, is to make direct eye contact with Mrs. Lopez while on the set.

Its A Trap
This is all part of an elaborate plot by Randy "The Macho Man" Savage to lure his nemesis Hogan out into a civil courtroom and then when his back is turned…Bam!….Folding chair to the back of the head.

…….awkward silence……sips Long Island Iced Tea from a crazy straw…..dead eyes briefly lock on the dead eyes of conversation partner causing a momentary feedback loop of soul-crushing emptiness that randomly creates a mini-black hole in a TJ Maxx somewhere in New Jersey……Commercial break.

So I Guess
This is what it sounds like when the douches cry.

C'Mon Guyz
Look, give Axl a break. Chinese Democracy was a total rush job, so they simply didn't have enough time to meticulously clear every single sample on the album. Sheesh.

Transformers 3: Ascension Of The Truck Nutz
I just read a magazine interview with Michael Bay and he revealed the official name of the next Transformers' sequel is "Transformers 3: Ascension Of The Truck Nutz". BTW this magazine is published…In my mind.