If this movie can form a compellling, tight narrative out of the Assassin's Creed mythology, it will be the first Assassin's Creed to do so.

Yeah I didn't word that very well, did I?

Even devoid of context, you have to be a real piece of shit to see a situation where, "Hey, this thing I like seems to be upsetting a lot of people. Not having this thing will in no way impact life, so I guess for the greater good and the comfort of others I'll stop" and selfishly say, "But fuck it, I'm gonna keep…

It's like the Simpsons's gag where Chief Wiggum kicks down the door and then rings the doorbell.

Yeah fair enough. Craig really worked for me though, because Blomkvist was such a pussy-hound in the books. He slept with practically every female character he encountered, so James Bond actually worked for me. I'll never understand that thing he did with his glasses, though; the only thing I know is that it looks…

The Swedish films were so flat, though. Noomi's performance is great, but they're flatly directed, poorly paced, and the dude playing Mikael was a little too bored. Not bad, but made-for-TV quality. Dragon Tattoo has some of Fincher's most beautiful visuals combined with a spectacular score. I understand why people…

He's busy pretending he has any involvement with House of Cards.

One of the greatest line readings of all time.

WHY AREN'T THESE FUCKERS MAKING THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE?
The end of Dragon Tattoo is rendered kind of pointless if you don't do the sequels.

I'll be there. I started rewatching the show for the third time and it is STILL so fun to talk about.

There's literally a videogame character named Rock-Man. DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, HOLLYWOOD?

You know, if you were a Clone Trooper or a Snow Trooper and your eyes weren't in VERY specific relation to one another, you'd be pretty screwed.

Aaron Paul has joined Matthew Fox, Josh Holloway, John Hamm and many other actors in the Inexplicably Not The World's Biggest Movie Star club. Seriously, do directors not watch TV? Other than Parks and Rec?

I think I, along with everyone, just imagines their own garage.

To your credit, I went in with really low expectations given that the last few Pixar movies were "good, but not Pixar-good" by my standards.

Pretty incredible. The outrage, I mean. HE USED IT IN THE CONTEXT OF SAYING THAT YOU CAN'T USE THAT WORD ANYMORE. It's like saying, "Obama says gay marriage is bad!" when the quote is him saying "I don't think gay marriage is bad."

What not-so-great episodes are you referring to? Because I didn't hear 'em, buddy! Although I may be blinded by the fact that my popcorn gallery got used for the Ross Mathews ep (asking if he used the same kind of lacquer he uses on Jay Leno's chin as what he uses to shine his cars and butt).

Wow, I felt it was a lot more than that. The world building was fabulous, I thought; certainly their most imaginative movie since Monster's Inc. I'm not sure how much sense it made, but it was all incredibly clever. It's worth it for the visualization of thousands of memories getting allocated to different islands…

It's the most fucking uninspired character design I've ever seen. They just made yellow versions of the aliens from Toy Story. They put googly eyes on twinkies.

I played a Smash Bros. drinking game with friends.
It was great.
Now go ahead. Ask if we got smashed. You know you want to!