I don't even own a byline.

Are we forgetting Oh, The Shits You Can Shit or And To Think That I Beefed It On Mulberry Street?

HOT DOG — WE HAVE A WEINER

I'll second it, if you nominate it for the next Great Job, Internet!

Bobby and The Fat Man - starring Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Seth Rogen as Edward Teller.

If you start talking about a .44 magnum, I'm just going to drop you off at the next lights, sir.

Given the state of Melanie Griffiths' nasal airways, I bet Nasonex has more personal relevance to Antonio Banderas than anything else he's been associated with.

What a bunch of clowns.

It's a little of both: the beauty inside you is only apparent to your fellow uggos, so you should just hang out with them.

I was intimating that human Fiona would have hemorrhaged to death on their wedding night, but if this is trans-unfriendly I'll just claim I was quoting Piers Morgan.

Because the gynecological implications didn't test well with focus audiences.

Neither does Kirk's mom: she pwns a boner.

I am tattoo-less, so it's fascinating to learn that HoC even gets this wrong.

Wait until Hearst hears she's in town.

Already corrected, so.. how are you guys?

And now the full-length obit has been posted: lovely job, Sean, especially your closing paragraph.

And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

Are there any starring Katherine Heigl?

Then buy one with a "5" on it, make him feel cool. Doubles as fake ID, so you've got his gift covered too.

Or just buy a blank card and write "You're The Birthday Boy or Girl" in it.