Or fill it with cement, wait for it to dry, and then go all Joe Pesci on the first guy who smarts off to you.

Or Jim Carroll's list of People Who Died.

Allen got arrested in my hometown!

Johnson?

I admit, it was sort of cool that my first semester of high school coincided with the rise of grunge…I think it was that Christmas that "Nevermind" knocked Michael Jackson's "Dangerous" off the top slot on the album charts.

"In fact, Doug, why don't you bring your copy of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' in tomorrow?"

I'd settle for going back to that Silver Spoons episode where Bruce Jenner explained that Alfonso wasn't stupid for beginning his book report "Moby Dick saw a good book," he was just dyslexic.

I know that if you want to hunt them, all you have to do is loudly ask if anyone can help you count to ten or say the alphabet. Then when they pop up offering to help, you strangle the little fucker.

Like the ones where you're having sex with Kristen Schaal, only she's half-human/half-Muppet?

Put a sock in it, Roy.

BH Cop II was awful…and then BH Cop III came out and made BH Cop II seem entertaining in a "drunk/high on a Saturday afternoon" sort of way.

Yesterday at my second job, I said we were some of the most-read authors in the world…we were writing/editing copy for McDonald's cups and fry boxes.

William Hurt was in "Maximum Overdrive"?

I was born in 1977, and I don't know where that leaves me. Maybe on the tail end of Generation X, although I always thought that term usually describes people at least five years older than I am. I'm definitely not a millennial…the Internet really became widespread when I was a freshman in college and I got my first…

I take it as a sign of maturity that while I wasn't happy about losing my hair early, I don't really wish to be seen as a young person anymore and find myself looking down on people who want to remain children forever.

Sure, it was just that one episode during the final season of "B.J. and the Bear," but that's probably more than anyone else here has done.

I can't go to the bar because I'm already reminiscing about going there tonight…and I didn't have a good time.

I remember reading an article about Ally McBeal where it was revealed that her comfort food was Jell-O…the most low-calorie, guilt-free snack you can imagine beyond carrot and celery sticks with no dip.

And I say, "What are you smiling at?"

Not to say I want a 20,000 Leagues remake (Disney did it well enough), but Cameron would be just the guy to do a big, entertaining adaptation.