Hashtagging on FB is the absolute dumbest and worst.

I'd like to purchase some non-racist family members and former high school classmates, amirite??

If you have enough money I can get you a plane ticket to this remote island where we supply you with weapons of your choi-

Well without him this wouldn't be possible:

I'm sorry but you'll have to be more specific.

No, dad.
-Ivanka

Saw Radiohead on Friday and LCD Soundsystem yesterday at ACL Fest. Both were unbelievable. Came into work like a chump today.

"It's just 30 minutes of me dunking on my white neighbors in my driveway."
"That sounds pretty funny."
"It's not a comedy."

I've hated Fallon ever since his SNL days when there were episodes where he was in every single sketch and yet his most well known character was "guy who broke in so many sketches goddamn Tracy Morgan questioned his professionalism."

We can say 'fucking' on this website.

And Warhol was the…Harambe of the art world?

"Why yes I did have sex with every single can of soup."
"Ah, method acting."
"Method what now?"

Well lots of people are saying…

Trump's chinless sons look like the bad guys in an episode of Law and Order accused of killing a high class prostitute.

♫ They say the heart of rock and roll is still beati- ♫

*consults judges*

The only time Tom Cruise has ever reached 6 if you know what I mean!*

I miss Letterman's barely concealed hatred of Trump.

"Tune in tomorrow for beer pong with Boko Haram!"

[SHITS PANTS]