Give the ole mushroom stamp, that'll put them in their place.

@avclub-230e46d19fe78a6c8dc715659a7188d7:disqus Whoa, whoa.  I would never lie about my marathon time because I would never run one.  Cardio kills.  It's science.  

@avclub-4caf6aa0375b2499ebfe7e971b36eee3:disqus http://25.media.tumblr.com/…

Ass filtered through a tea bag.

I work out HARDCORE.  Oh, I also work there.  Funny story, I'm a 23 year old powerlifter.  If this place is still standing in 2 years, I plan to make a new account celebrating that fact.

Earlier, I had to ask a man to close the stall door while he was taking a deuce.  His response, "I didn't think anyone was going to come in."  Motherfucker, it's a locker room.  Why would people not be coming in?  Are they suppose to get changed in the squat rack?

Harumph!

If I ever met a people-beer, they would be my best friend!  Until I murdered and drank them

Mixers are for lesser men.

Aggressive shaming gaze.

I've managed to avoid any potential cannibalism in my life thus far.  See, when I go to dinner parties I only drink.  OOOH ELEEEGANT DINNER PARTY.

@avclub-6ba88e43a555bbf6c47a5781b749c77c:disqus But, eating brains is also the mark of a zombie.  So, if only zombies eat brains and only eating brains turns one into a zombie, then where did all these zombies come from?  Also, and probably more importantly, send help.  I'm running low on ammunition and this barricade…

Yeah, by sample size I mean a single person.

I heard they have castles.  Castles are neat.

You know what, you're amazing.

@avclub-ba9fab001f67381e56e410575874d967:disqus …

Finally Barbeaubots get the recognition they so richly deserve.

I've got what I'm pretty sure is blackmail material on anyone who's anyone.  That's what my secretary tells me at least.  

When she's not drunk [I only drink so much because he's such an asshole].

There is no good news left in this world.