I visited Axl at his Malibu home years ago. Apparently, he's deluded himself into thinking his Brazilian housekeeper's family are his own. Also, the housekeeper looks a lot like Elton John. When I told them that, Axl and his fake-son left the room shortly afterwards. His fake-son came back out and told me to leave.

How can one star in a movie if one is not truly a star?

As Shia LaBeouf would say, "No no no no no no no no no!"

After Andrew Garfield was cast as Spider-Man, Jesse Eisenberg wanted a piece of the superhero pie. Maybe Armie Hammer will play Batman someday. Oh wait.

"Good Morning Captain" makes my peen so hard I could cut diamonds with it.

Dear JohnnyLurg: I'm so sorry. AV Club only allows me to upvote your comment once. Sincerely, Turd.

I'm looking forward to taking Kelly Rowland 106: Introduction to Obscurity.

Meanwhile, David Fincher is crying in a corner over The Goon being stuck in development hell.

But which is which?

It's just an excuse to cobble together a poorly-acted, plot-deficient movie and use the "Choose your own Adventure" label as an excuse for its shortcomings. Sorry, fellas. Michael Bay cornered that market a long time ago.

I'd pay top dollar to hear Bill Hader yell "Utini!"

Please stop using umlauts. It's very annöying.

So Captain America survives? THANKS FOR THE SPOILER SHITHEADS.

Now do Attack of the Clones minus Anakin.

After watching Anchorman 2, I can understand Paramount's unwillingness to waste perfectly good film on cinematic diarrhea.

I remember my last acid trip. It was wild, mind-blowingly unnerving and downright horrifying. Then I saw this trailer…