Bam I fixed your shit
They should just run classic Rooney Rants from years past. They'd either be eerily relevant or hilariously out of touch/date.

Greeting cards that sing TO you. In 3-D.

Question
Will there be CGI?

Is this the show where
I can see some bewbs?

this looks like
Knocked Up 2: The Reckoning

What I'm barely putting up with?
The Biggest Loser on NBC.

Haters be hatin'
I use these foot condoms as a change from muddy running shoes and to get the paper in the morning with a Starbucks in my hand. I also like ironic shirts and flannel and Sigur Ros. You're all jealous of my radness.

University
of First!

I bet all hand models are like Madeline Kahn's character in Young Frankenstein
As she says goodbye to Gene Wilder on the train platform

Maybe they should all just get diarrhea
Poop jokes are the new fart jokes, people

Wait
This shit fashion is an actual thing that people pay good money for?

Won't someone please think of the Eubanks'??
What will that guitarist/human laugh track do after this?

Rod Stewart
What song doesn't sound like Maggie May when he sings it?

What the word needs now
Idol all-star showdown hosted by Brian Dunkleman.

Idol All-Stars
Given the lack of interest in either finalist winning, I propose an "Idol All-Stars" competition in which we pit top 10 contestants from past season against one another. Winners would be excluded, unless they have nothing better to do (Soul Patrol, I'm looking at you).

oh snap, Balls! You took him down a peg.