I object — the news is so much better auto-tuned.

I appreciate Amelie's ability to vigilantly expose her psyche to the infinite variety of garbage, gold, and golden garbage that the mass media is producing, thus saving us from having to view it ourselves. I think of her as a window into a strange and mystifying world that would be too horrifying to behold without…

I knew a lesbian gynecologist who once told me that you can get an infection from letting men "dump all that waste" inside the vagina, in reference to their ejaculate.

Billy Corgan was once a normal human being until that fateful day when he tried on a seemingly innocent pair of silver pants and matching "ZERO" tee shirt. What he didn't realize was that this was CAPTAIN ZERO's magical uniform, and once dawned, like the outfit of The Santa Clause, one will physically transform into…