America doesn't deserve nice things any way.

KISS MY WRINKLED ASS!

You're being generous. I assume McConnell has a King-of-Pop-strength kiddie porn collection.

He has certainly exhibited a disdain for Vietnamese elderly people that some soldiers once exhibited.

Give it a month. If she starts beating Celebrity Apprentice in the ratings…

I mean, sure. Nobody needs to qualify for anything any more. I've been unemployed for a month, but as of now, I'm a neurosurgeon cuz I say so!

Rapist defends rapist

Perhaps an Austrian athlete's endorsement isn't the sort of thing this president's legacy needs.

So, had Bowie survived this year, this album would have been on par with past Tin Machine releases.

I hope it does better than the Rally for Sanity, aka, The Kumbaya to Welcome the Tea Party.

HE WAS NEWMAN ON "SEINFELD!" HEY, EVERYBODY, HE WAS NEWMAN ON "SEINFELD!"

Part because most people thought the Democratic nominee was Lesley Knope, including the people who voted for her in the primaries.

You know what's even more tiresome? Carrying water for a child rapist to stick it to those eggheads who didn't fail in life. You need a safe space, honey?

Colin Quinn: Chris Hardwick 1.0

Everybody knows about Wississippi goddam

Is Nick DiPaolo still mad that Comedy Central wouldn't let him sleep in the lobby after Colin Quinn and Other Hacks Gripe About Not Getting Work was cancelled?

If only they'd had a safe space. Maybe they shouldn't go out if they need trigger warnings wherever they go.

Fiasco.

Also missing from the CMAs: country music.

Does Dana Carvey have his own Branson theater yet?