Maaan, you wouldn't believe how many times I went to Burger King and 7-Eleven in Denmark. Like…four times.

I expect there to be a years-long hiatus at one point and then it'll be all, remember Community? Well, it's back, in Pog form!

Ya, hoo was it made that joke already? (Eh that's all I got)

Oh man, I got Narratored! And DISQUS_spider got Lloy'd!

I know those words, but that comment doesn't make sense.

I forgot that the subtext of all articles is that the subject addressed therein is the most important problem in the world.

I was really impressed by my cat's pop tart-stealing technique. She got her fat little head in the wrapper, got out, and immediately took the piece of pop tart to the corner where she could eat it undisturbed quickly before the little cat caught up to her.

Aw, man. Thanks. And you used my given name! That's so sweet!

Whoa. Whoa. I didn't mean to be that funny. I'm sorry. Yikes. *pulls collar* Guess I don't know my own power!

I watched this movie for the first time as in-flight entertainment and as I struggled to make out the action writ small on a screen with both fuzziness AND glare, I thought of you and how you would probably recommend a slightly better viewing experience!

I don't believe you. You're a liar!

I don't have a favorite favorite and I'm just kind of figuring it out, but Louis CK and Mike Birbiglia are two whose recent standup specials I've viewed…MORE THAN ONCE. Also Maria Bamford's thing that she did last year was one of my favorite things ever.

I thought that for a second too, but only because I haven't been to Duluth in ages and I didn't think it was that big. But I'm almost positive that's not Minneapolis' skyline, either. It didn't have that dumb building that looks like it has a pie plate on top of it, for one.

Maybe some cats have a problem with gluten, but maybe some cats also need to feel special by loudly and repeatedly announcing their self-imposed dietary restrictions.

One time my dad saw eerily glowing lights off in the distance. For a split second, he thought it was a UFO. Then he realized it was a turkey farm. He was tired.

My best friend's a vegetarian and her sister's a vegan and they make a lot of vegan baked goods. You know, most of it is surprisingly good.

Things we're growing this year that we weren't before:

Not to be That Girl, but kale chips are really delicious. You just chop them into bite-size pieces, toss the pieces lightly in olive oil, season it however you want, IF you want (I do salt and pepper, sometimes a tiny bit of garlic powder), and then you spread them on a sheet and bake them for like 10 minutes or 15…

I don't see how some people say the one fruit is better than that other fruit!

Listen, neighbors, shut your drunk face holes up. It's Memorial Day, not Independence Day. I'm sure you're revved up from all the appliances you bought 15% off today, but you have to go back to work tomorrow. The kids gotta go back to school. Shut up. Fucking shut up. Also get off my lawn.