He's out in Jersey, past the Palisades.

How is that depressing? I literally cannot imagine a world where I get a more positive response from a girl than a sigh and an "ok, I guess you'll have to do." I mean… that's the best possible scenario. That's the "win." How is that depressing?

I ALREADY MADE THAT GODDAMNED JOKE ABOVE. And how Plaxico Burress went to jail for shooting himself in the dick.

His brother shot himself in the dick. I think that was a better decision.

Finally, my chance to fuck a celebrity!

No, Flag Bearer was not right. About anything.

Ew; you want to fuck babies? Jesus, dude, what's wrong with you?

The Right-On of Pedophilia is an authority beyond reproach on a number of subjects. Most of them centering around just what it is about glasses and a beard that children find so sexy.

This is all very gay. I'd just like to point that out.

Rich, Creamery Butter.

Sort of like that kid I keep in my attic.

I always get Mickey Rooney confused with Andy Rooney and Mickey Rourke.

Luckier than Brian's Song.

… She's 5'2" and about 105 pounds? 110, maybe? I just know that when I pick her up I barely notice her weight at at all, so it has to be "not a lot." Not sure what that has to do with anything.

@disqus_jeTusCb3OY:disqus — You did, indeed, miss me at karaoke. It was an awesome time! Sorry you missed it. Hope you enjoyed your vacation, though; vacations tend to be more fun than karaoke.

Well, I mean… "Oh, I guess you'll do since I have no better options" is literally the best thing I could possibly hope for a girl to say about me. Anything beyond that is unrealistic.

You shouldn't have incriminating shit on your computer. If you must keep it (I'll say something legal but private, like tax returns) in electronic format, burn it to a CD, then wipe your hard drive. The physical media is there forever, will never disappear, and can't possibly be accessed by somebody who's not in your…

If somebody wants your info online, they'll get it. Period. Remember the millions of credit cards stolen at Target? The millions of tax returns stolen from IRS storage? The massiv waves of identity theft? The fact that highly anticipated, highly under-wraps projects always become common knowledge on hobbiest sites…

Wrong. Female orgasms are a myth, so a pound of nothing weighs nothing.

Savage Dik — how long should I continue pursuing a girl whom I've known for 17 years, wanted for a year, and made my feelings about known to last weekend. She was noncomittal because she's still heavily sweating this married guy who cheated with her once but it isn't going anywhere.