I'm not the least bit surprised. Because I am but a mere high school graduate, most of my working life involves restructuring the run-on sentences of highly paid college graduates. College graduates who turned in their final thesis and said, "Thank God that's over with! I'll never have to write a coherent paper ever…

I enjoyed The Babadook not as a horror movie per se, but as a solid representative of another genre entirely: The Endlessly Crying Baby Movie. This genre puts the audience on edge by persistent use of the sound of a baby crying. Eraserhead is a famous early example, but I am greatly enamored of the ridiculous Joshua…

I enjoy watching people attempt to parse meaning from the new season of Twin Peaks. I thought that the ending of the second season made it quite clear: "Everyone died, fuck all you armchair theorists, The End."

In the 80s, I took a copy of John Foxx's "The Golden Section" to a hairstylist. The stylist thought I was indulging in some rock star fantasy, but it was a good haircut and Mr. Foxx had thoughtfully included a Front and Side view photo in the liner notes. I stand by my decision.

Did you dream you were eating the world's largest marshmallow? 'Cause that's funny.

Fortunately Hannity has an expensive broadcast network from which he may air his views and publicly defend his person. It would be sad if his idle viewers had so little faith in his words that they felt they had to mash their keyboards in an inarticulate frenzy of "supportive" forum postings. He's certainly suffered…

Just tell them you're from San Francisco. If they dive in with some ridiculous anti-American snobbery (they won't) you are within your rights to behave like a French tourist who has just been informed that his children are disturbing the other restaurant patrons.

It's amusing to see the effect that time has had on the Badalamenti score. Those Julee Cruise songs in the original seasons had a real impact. And now — there are a bazillion bands that have made a career out of mining that sound. I keep hoping that Bohren and Der Club of Gore show up, although that would be a little…

Ha! Gig Economy is sooooo 2016! The latest thing is Pay-to-Work. That's where you carefully feed bitcoins into an app before you're allowed to clock in. It works just like a paid internship, only you do all the paying.

I don't use Uber, personally, but I have noticed that Uber patrons are frequently devoid of rational self-preservation and enjoy hurling their bodies into traffic whenever they think they see a Prius with a transponder stuck to the window. When you're an Uber patron, every car is your car.

Ryan has a sentimental side too, which he saves for that dancing baby.

Don't worry. I couldn't afford that tony 12 cent shit back in the day either.

A formative experience: There was this hippie that lived in what was formerly our tool shed. He had carefully recycled foam peanuts and stuffed them in the walls for insulation. When he wasn't out looking for a job that, frankly, the local economy could not provide, he built all-terrain bicycles.

The last time I watched The Warriors, this guy was telling me that it's one of the gayest films ever. I watched it for a while and I could definitely see what he was talking about. Then we made out.

Ugh. The Ancient Aliens theory isn't just racist, it's specist. Or specious. Whatever. You know what kind of aliens show up, play god and then force the natives to construct anachronistic feats of engineering? Stupid aliens, that's who. You know who is too stupid to observe nature and learn mastery over a craft? The…

I've found that I can easily crash these things just by wearing a Muumuu. I was disappointed by the movie, however. It's two hours of Gal Gadot and some unnamed female character talking about Steve Trevor.

Do you have any advice for someone buying water at a corner store? Everyone is microcephalic and math is hard. Gotta hydrate.

You gotta look at the story arc. You begin with a whiny, "my parents suck" edgelord who cries at the drop of the hat. Then you give him command of the military and the ability to halt plasma fire in mid-kill.

Ironically, a decline in a command of the English language is frequently accompanied by a desire to speak at length on any available subject. I'm sure that many of the White House staff are afraid to enter a room with the president because they know they'll leave the room three hours later, ass first, and nodding…

No Hellboy 3, though. That shit never would have worked.