So I wonder what this guy would have done if his family had hit him up for $34,000 instead of the other way around. Because that's the financial relationship many of us have with our parents.

I thought I was so au courant, lounging around the house in a Supergirl Onesie. But I'm merely one step ahead of these fine young alcoholics.

A friend of mine bought one of these "wrist gyroscopes" for her tendonitis. It's a sphere mounted on in spindle inside another rubberized sphere. You pull a string, just like a top, to get it going and then you vigorously work your wrist in such a way that the gyroscopic forces cause the inner wheel to accelerate to…

That's why I respect Republicans so much: Liberals joke about putting left-leaning comedians in office, but then they worry that they might not actually be qualified. Republicans just stick the funny guy right in there. That's a commitment to comedy we should all find humbling. Anything for a laugh.

I once got a temp job at Saatchi & Saatchi, which is a famous ad agency I guess. Naturally, I worked with the office drones in a set of cubicles. Later on, I discovered the section where the "creatives" work. It was also cubicles, but they were not placed in a grid. Each cubicle was decorated by the occupant in a way…

Actually, there's a great deal of anecdotal evidence that strong, authoritarian personalities are more likely to develop a fetish for being degraded. So, yeah, our president clearly gets off on seeing other people being degraded.

Don't forget her weekly visits to Paedogeddon Pizza Parlor, where Family Fun is Always on the Menu.

Of all of the downsides of being raised in the Hippie/Beatnik culture, not being concerned about nudity is a big upside. I've read about Americans getting squicked out about visiting onsen in Japan because of all of the nudity. That's like refusing to eat ice cream out of fear that someone might see your tongue in…

Actually, redneck christians apply the vigors of the scientific method to determine which portions of the word of god should be canon. They eat the shellfish and it turns out to be just fine. They talk with a woman during her menses and it's stressful for them, but not enough to banish the girl to the tent. They find…

Let's call it "The Tax Haven."

If you're any kind of real nerd, you'll eventually notice that the popularity of nerd culture right now is rife with people doing it wrong. Popularity, frequently a destructive force, is doing to nerdery what 80s pop radio did to Metal. I look forward to the day that nerdery is consumed and tossed aside to ferment in…

Back in the Kenny G era, I used to work for a mail-order firm called "The Sharper Damage." If you called their customer service line, you'd hear an endless loop of Kenny G playing the head from one of his post-bop numbers. Maybe it wasn't a loop. Anyway, if you worked there you heard this thing a million times. That…

Sax holster!

And if Trump left in a huff (or cuffs), a massive stench of failure would hang over the administration. See: Gerald Ford. Also, this massive stench of failure would smell more pungent than the one we're enjoying now.

Can't wait for the mashup of "The Phantom Menace" and "Wings at the Speed of Sound."

My theory is that the new show will be entirely directed by Diane Keaton.

I'm just appalled that supermodels are so shallow. Why can't they look past my advanced age, ambiguous gender and terminal toenail fungus to just love me for who I am?

Oddly, hardly anyone gives Paul Muni any crap for taking the lead in "The Good Earth."

Jeez, Gramps, listen to anything from this century? Actually, I could go for an hour or two of Chris Carter right about now.

Sometimes I think my life's a waste/Dirty clothes scattered all o'er the place/And there's my favorite Snoopy doll/Sometimes I give him Geritol/Wish that I could end it all…