Notable lack of our fine, four-fendered friend.

I think about some weird things. Like, what if Jack Black and Jack White had a baby? I bet it would be called an abomination unto God. Depending on who you asked.

This summer's hottest rip-off is Quahogland. This themed land, that is exactly like another land except not nearly as good, will feature un-immersive areas, an emotionally disconnected staff, and everyone's favorite mascot, Rapey the Aborted Jew. It's that thing of when writers are lazy. Make sure to get in line now…

I'd like to bed a Swede and have a lil' Björn.

Met her at a Disney somethin' or other. She was really patient and relaxed and gracious and good-humored and warm and am I overselling her? She shit plastic eggs with winning lottery numbers inside. I had just seen the episode of Parenthood where her character helps Max understand and deliver an apology and I told her…

A couple summers ago I toured the Disney Animation Studio courtesy of a friend who was working on Planes. I saw all the concept art and even watched him animate a scene for a little while. It was pretty inspiring because this is a kid, who since he first saw Toy Story, always wanted to work for Disney in the medium of…

Keep cool, my blowhards.

I'm flattered you went to the trouble of writing that or finding the document I plagiarized it from. Let's neither of us tell which.

"Die working hard or Die Hard-ly working? Bruce Willis leaves no shadow of a doubt with the latest entry to this aging action franchise." - Some guy's review, probably

Similarly, I'm in a group that places warning stickers on copies of "Back to the Beach".

Similarly, I'm in a group that places warning stickers on copies of "Back to the Beach".

Alternately: "Blown To Pizzas"

Alternately: "Blown To Pizzas"

I hate every meth I see, from pure grade glass to Chili P, oh you'll never make a junkie out of me!

I hate every meth I see, from pure grade glass to Chili P, oh you'll never make a junkie out of me!

I think you mean "Well, well, well, w-w-w-w-w-w-w well, well, well alright!"

I think you mean "Well, well, well, w-w-w-w-w-w-w well, well, well alright!"

Classic Simpsons did it first.

Classic Simpsons did it first.

Sexponential.