I CUT THE BRAKES! WILDCARD, BITCHES!

Pretty sure your friend's calling you gay, bro.

Pretty sure your friend's calling you gay, bro.

Adventure Time would work well as a title for a lot of movies.

Adventure Time would work well as a title for a lot of movies.

I know there's like a 15-year age difference, but I still have a sneaking suspicion that his artistic genius will be paired with Blue Ivy Carter's genetic pop instincts to create the Kwisatz Haderach of music.

I know there's like a 15-year age difference, but I still have a sneaking suspicion that his artistic genius will be paired with Blue Ivy Carter's genetic pop instincts to create the Kwisatz Haderach of music.

You can't have a party workplace in Arizona without ICE!

You can't have a party workplace in Arizona without ICE!

If I ever have kids (SPOILER ALERT: I won't, because ugh) I'm going to dress him in pink or her in blue, like they did in the 1890s or whenever, and tell people it's just because I'm super conservative.

If I ever have kids (SPOILER ALERT: I won't, because ugh) I'm going to dress him in pink or her in blue, like they did in the 1890s or whenever, and tell people it's just because I'm super conservative.

Also, she's based on Divine, so, eh. Nothing against drag queens, but drag queens who eat poop do nothin' for me.

Also, she's based on Divine, so, eh. Nothing against drag queens, but drag queens who eat poop do nothin' for me.

On the other hand, if she's a baby Emma Stone, she'll presumably grow up to look like Emma Stone. Why would you go after smelly commoners when you can bang someone who looks like Emma Stone?

On the other hand, if she's a baby Emma Stone, she'll presumably grow up to look like Emma Stone. Why would you go after smelly commoners when you can bang someone who looks like Emma Stone?

Seriously? That's amazing. I'm gonna have a John Waters/The Little Mermaid double feature party.

Seriously? That's amazing. I'm gonna have a John Waters/The Little Mermaid double feature party.

Oh man, I'd watch that movie. Even if it would make me a goddamn traitor.

Oh man, I'd watch that movie. Even if it would make me a goddamn traitor.

Alberto Fujimori!