Stop finger shaming! Your fingers are beautiful and, quite frankly, incredibly sexy. It's why I set up the hidden cameras in your apartment.

Two words: Net neutrality.

Hey! Wait!

I don't know what I'm more excited for. This amazing movie I've been waiting most of my life for, or the inevitable Fox News opinion pieces about why this is a racist movie.

The ancient knowledge gained from the ol Double Deuce!

Captain America? …pretty sure you're a war criminal now.

My chemical castration wasn't romantic as much as court appointed. Wait! What are we talking about?

I've always thought of myself as more Dayman than Nightman, so we're good!

MTV still fucking exists?

To get in this boy's soul?

***nods, smiles, calls ICE, goes back to being a horrible human being***

So, Disney's setting a trap. Sounds shitty, but…like…they're job creators?

HAHAHAHAHA! Too many letting the Genie out of the bottle jokes for my brain to handle.

Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!

Well, now that you've brought Lisa Loeb into this, she might as well just Stay and do the soundtrack.

That's a really fair and accurate description. It was disparate. The first half was a dude with unbreakable skin and super strength who wanted to be left alone, but got drawn into street level conflicts. The second half was a crazy bible quoting brother friend who despite their propensity towards insane violence…

…I'm only here to skip the Trump article. Sorry. I know I'm defecating on democracy and justice and apple pie and all…but I'm just too tired.

…President Garfield doesn't deserve a restaurant chain, and I think we all know why!

Because success is like a drug. But, what is more like a drug …are the drugs.

Damnit, Bill Murray! You were already awesome! Now I get the chance to annoy your waitstaff by doing my best Tye Webb impersonation. You, Bill Murray, are a national treasure.