Ah, the dreary Jackie Chan that nobody should ever want to see.

If you could see how hard my nipples are, you would realize what you've done to my very soul.

Oh, everything's a dangerous message if you care even a little about how they turn out and hate adventure.

Spoiler alert! Dick.

This is probably only because he never got my script about a cop from NY in LA to visit his estranged wife during Christmas and it's taken over by a group of terrorists.

Goodness! That picture looks like cosplay at the D-list celebrity after party. I think I'd rather take up knitting.

Normal people go to jail for these types of things.

Bad for him, good for the Country! Am I right?! Am I right?! …Am…am I?

Get in line, Netflix! I've been taking twerking classes for 8 months in preparation for this moment! Or, one remotely similar.

It's not. Willow was awesome. Therefore, you are probably awesome for liking it. The point is, stay out of my beer.

I give you un-requested pills and a free movie and you bad mouth me on the interwebs? How's that for gratitude? I'm going to hold a town hall meeting about this…

…Frank Stallone?

When you hear Ron's side…those children were kind of asking for it.

Every minute that you spent typing that up, you can't get back!

See, you say that…until you see what they do to the character.

Forget it, Cigarette. It's Fox Studios.

Hopefully, but probably not. We're gonna see a bunch of impressive CGI, poorly explained mutant powers that serve as characters, and Jean die. Again. And Magneto and Mystique, because they're stars!

I'll never tire of playing with Transformers! And my Doctor will never tire of removing them!

Got passed over for Walking Dead: Tedium.

None of the voices in your head, or that talking can of gasoline think you're crazy. And neither do I.