"I was once considered a serious actor. Now I'm carrying a fucking bag of soccer balls around and making believe I like Jessica Fucking Biel. Kill me now, God."

"I was once considered a serious actor. Now I'm carrying a fucking bag of soccer balls around and making believe I like Jessica Fucking Biel. Kill me now, God."

Every review by Todd VanDerWerff inevitably becomes more about him than the show he's reviewing. The letter 'I' is more prevalent in this review than at the Apple Store.

Every review by Todd VanDerWerff inevitably becomes more about him than the show he's reviewing. The letter 'I' is more prevalent in this review than at the Apple Store.

Lindsay is my favorite drunk, druggie  kleptomaniac, pathological lying skank ho.

Lindsay is my favorite drunk, druggie  kleptomaniac, pathological lying skank ho.

Each one of these names works wonderfully for writing ridiculous sex scenes that exist in someone's twisted imagination (like mine, perhaps):

Each one of these names works wonderfully for writing ridiculous sex scenes that exist in someone's twisted imagination (like mine, perhaps):

Mr. Brolin certainly is a handsome fellow.

Mr. Brolin certainly is a handsome fellow.

He's so brave and courageous. Here, Mr. Lee, step into the pool here, the killer whales want to thank you, that's it… OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE CHEWING THROUGH HIS FUCKING HEAD, AHHHHHH, THERE GOES HIS LEFT ARM, STOP, STOP SHAMU, BAD WHALE!

He's so brave and courageous. Here, Mr. Lee, step into the pool here, the killer whales want to thank you, that's it… OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE CHEWING THROUGH HIS FUCKING HEAD, AHHHHHH, THERE GOES HIS LEFT ARM, STOP, STOP SHAMU, BAD WHALE!

I don't care how annoying she is, I'd like to give the sexy bitch a few 'summer jams' of my own.

I don't care how annoying she is, I'd like to give the sexy bitch a few 'summer jams' of my own.

Thank you Evan. I appreciate the effort to explain Mr. O'Neal's stupid attempt to write like he's really hip to that wacky street lingo. Or maybe he really did have a stroke. Get well soon, Sean!

Thank you Evan. I appreciate the effort to explain Mr. O'Neal's stupid attempt to write like he's really hip to that wacky street lingo. Or maybe he really did have a stroke. Get well soon, Sean!

Did you have a stroke before you wrote that fucking headline, O'Neal? What does that even mean?

Did you have a stroke before you wrote that fucking headline, O'Neal? What does that even mean?

In other words she's stopped recording entirely.

In other words she's stopped recording entirely.