"Jax" are congealed masses of sperm.

And those reddish-orange logs grew up to be Kid Rock.

Yeah, but they make up for it by all the apostrophes they have to throw in there, and the extra Rs at the end of words that end in the letter A.

Au contraire, mon petite fromage… you simply haven't heard me recount a salmonella green-shits story…

I need to find a Trek-loving girl. And then we can get to some Vulcan Pelvic-Melding.

D00D, when I get that hard, I pass out. No fun playing foosball passed out, because then I don't get to see the other guy's face when I WIN.

I believe he is retiring solely because his place as IES is unimpeachable, and it's no fun if he's guaranteed to win. They took him out of the running to goose the competition.

Totz, Totz. Word to the mutha.

Hint: everything can be improved with the addition of pornographic video clips.

Repent, and confess your sins to Killah Priest!

I want to buy a bunch of them, line them up in rows of four or five, impale them with long rods, and then make my own tasty-tasty foosball table.

Awww now DCRJ, you know it's true, girl! Peeps be FINE when stale!

And yes, JVS, "I Want to Make You Sweat" by UB40 does in fact make me sweat. As does listening to "Make Me Sweat" by Basement Jaxx, while drinking Booty Sweat in a can.

Perhaps your real life stalker/boyfriend/uncle and I are one and the same?

Chapter One, Verse One:
"Like big butts, and do not lie. Other brothers cannot deny."

You know what makes ME sweat? "Gonna Make You Sweat", by C + C Music Factory.

In that world, TMJ would be mythological.

When will the freezer-chilled sparkly Fleshlight come out? I don't read Twilight books, but I guess I could start.

I'm going to guess the truth is you were standing on a fountain. Because there's no such thing as a 5'11" woman.

Dang. I'd be totally happy with a world where vampires and werewolves existed AND masturbation and oral sex existed, but not the one described above.