I apologize, but this is all I can muster at this point in my day:

Will this do?

If his penis is actually hanging out of his trousers, I hardly think it can be called "subtext."

Monchichi, Monchichi, oh so soft and cuddly…

…as soon as he finishes the one about Toddlers & Tiaras.

There's a place for you on America's Got Talent…you're what the show is all about!

…or Flea.

THAT'S where you were! We all missed you and were horribly worried!

That Little Austria bit would have been one of those "pause it until you stop laugh-weeping" moments.

Is pinetree using a telegraph?

I wonder if he's shaved his privates…

Cancer?

Since this is, after all, the A.V. Club, nothing aside from your use of "morale-less" should cause anyone to call you a moron. Sorry.

How about 53rd & 3rd?

Seconded.

For some reason the "I just know it!" ("…and she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it!") always freaked me out in Jessie's Girl. It seems like the turning point from crazy guy ruminating on the sofa to crazy guy showing up on someone's doorstep with a weapon.

All that extra skin… *shudders…vomits…shudders some more*

A great story about a manly man, to be sure…just doesn't have as much street cred, though: "9 bullets and a whole mess of skylight glass, son!"

…or a mythical beast capable of destroying humanity (along with their minions, statin drugs).

This is EXACTLY what should have happened…the winner never has as good a career as the runners-up do.