Beg these. Or beg this. Either will suffice.

Even with the reference identified, that shit's not funny in print.

Alcohol is legal, and schticks based on being a drunk worked just fine.

Penelope Ann Miller….
…as the villain? What the fuck did she do? Bore her enemies to death?

Welcome to the AV Club, Family Guy Head Writer.

Missing
They forgot about the time he got angry when someone inadvertently canceled his Cocote subscription.

If you love that smell, pull my finger.

You can thank your much maligned friend Ice Cube and the other west coast gangsta rappers for those additions to your vocabulary.

Your proper "cool internet guy" siggy should just be "T".

I didn't say his bit or The Hater's reworking were funny. I just said there was a hint of thievery in her list.

As an Esquire subscriber…
those fucking lists annoy the hell out of me. But not as much as this faux channeling of Patton Oswalt.

Fuck Chris Martin
I can beat up a fuckin' paparazzo. And I'm an AV Club commenter. What does that tell you?

Jaime Foxworth
Has she ever spoken? I can't remember a thing she ever said on Family Matters and later she couldn't talk because of Lex Steele giant shlong in her maw.

I'm not a dentist or ob/gyn…
but did she always have pussy teeth or did they grow in at puberty? Did she have baby pussy teeth and they fell out then she got her adult pussy teeth? I need some background to help me suspend my disbelief long enough to watch this insane sounding shit.

No only weren't you first, but that fucking sentence doesn't even make sense.

I think I left out an extremely important point: we didn't have cable AND when we had company as kids, we were pretty much relegated to the room with the Betamax and the Atari.

Bubbles, the addict from The Wire. Or the monkey, whichever works for you.

A sad, sad fact
I have seen this particular movie over 300 times. When I was a teen, me and my friend watched this flick everyday after school, so much so we memorized every line. It was the only flick we had on Beta, and we had a Betamax in the room where the kids congregated.

Yes, indeed. That was me on Salon, too. I'm hella bored at work.

Trust me when I tell you how much shit I take from my friends and family (and girlfriend!!!) when I tell them I'll never see a fuckin' Tyler Perry movie.