Just try and spray away from the womenfolk. Overpopulation is enough of a problem without your semen flying all over the place.

Hmmm…I think I'll instead be putting all my hard earned money into Evil Dressings, about a smalltown family that find themselves haunted by a bottle of vinaigrette.

The story has all the elements that I expect, but ends in an anti-climatic way that suggests deep meaning. This is like the No Country For Old Men of dirty jokes.

I've always thought this piece was insightful, "You Say You Want a Devolution?" by Kurt Anderson, which talks about how culture feels like it grows static sometime in the 90s. When you look at old advertising or movies from the early 80s you feel like you're in an entirely different epoch, but sometimes when I watch,…

I think it would be even better if she ends up a serial killer, stalking her schoolmates. There would be a reunion haunted by a mysterious figure wearing a massive ushanka. The victims would be killed with a shaska and found covered in slices of black bread and borscht.

If you want to read quality writing in the teen movie genre, you might want to try the unproduced script I'd Like Some Boobs, Please by Paddy Chayefsky.

I don't think he had anything to do with "Can’t see a hole in a ladder" and "Poor as Job’s turkey", but then again, I just realized we're not talking about catchphrases from the 1890s.

That this Rush movie is directed by Ron Howard feels like a distant, early warning.

This place sounds like quite the entry in Encyclopedia DramATTICa. Maybe they could make this a two part movie, the second part would be called Uh…You Really, Really Don't Want To Know That, and the first part would be named O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Hmmm…I think I would prefer the legal dream team of Bill Murray from Wild Things, Pacino from Devil's Advocate, Socrates, and Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell.

Oh god, "Shiny Happy People". I feel like "SHP" and "Stand" (I'm not a REMnista, so I have no idea if this is the case) were written almost as dares at writing a song with an incredibly catchy, accessible melody - a melody that's so accessible that it's annoying. There's a contrast with "So. Central Rain" or "Fall on…

I thought it was some sort of homage to The Shining. "I'm sorry to differ with you sir, but YOU are the frontman of Ima Robot. You've always been the frontman of Ima Robot. I should know sir: I've always been here."

There was whale cake and hymns, plus we watched a movie where Jon Voight fights an atheist street gang. It was like a party thrown by Arthur Dimmesdale, but with cheesie puffs and Mxpx CDs.

Hmmm…while this post didn't help me solve the age old question of why do bad things happen to good people, it did help me solve the slightly less old question: why did no one go to Kirk Cameron's birthday party?

You could say…*picks up sunglasses from the table of nearby unaware old woman*…that RIPD is…DOA. *puts sunglasses on*

I detect the El Supremo from the room at the top of the stairs.

The Half Shell on Venus

The non-union Lithuanian we found to direct Diner 2.

My own supplemental chart, dealing with the secondary if-then clause.

Once again, the stench of failure haunts the Rhode Island Police Department.