Given that Chucky is relatively weak, maybe a way to have tension is to make him the adversary of a really old couple, like Eli Wallach and Elaine Stritch. It could be Amour: Cherchez Le Chucky. "You got doll blood on my Michener! Now I'll never find out what happened to Alaska!"

*stops dramatically in game of Solitaire* I know the identity of the "Woman Who Urinates Herself". Is this an issue of national importance…or, you know, local?

I don't have a problem with someone just saying, "here's a song I can't stand." I think a lot of us have a similar, visceral reaction to music that's not only popular but critically acclaimed. It doesn't keep you from reading another column by someone else giving insight into why "Black Hole Sun" is really well put…

Seen recently outside the Soundgarden treehouse: a sign that reads "No Jeselniks allowed!"

How did you find out? Was it the "7 Creepy Things About The 'Blurred Lines' Video" listicle, or the "9 Ways You Can Tell You're A Rape Sympathizer" listicle?

I just pictured Bell wearing an eyepatch, leather, and smoke-throating "Call me Snake", and let's just say work is not the most appropriate place to be picturing these things.

Hey! I was gonna paint with that!

"Let's just say I've helped board a lot of Vogon spaceships. And by Vogon spaceships, I mean something that various legal teams are still discussing in a very friendly manner."

Tell the man-animal Gatins that he is out of his skull bone if he makes the flying machine go upside down. His script makes me want to get drunk with economical speed.

"She was drowning in life. This summer, she'll be drowning in semen."

You'd remove them from all your social networking friends lists? You really are the capo di tutti capi.

I try to imagine a supervillain showdown between Chuck Klosterman and Sasha Frere-Jones, and it's like the Steve Martin-Bill Murray scene from Little Shop of Horrors. "And now, Klosterman, you'll listen to John Mayer's albums on repeat for the next twelve hours." "Mayer? Well, okay…but don't you have any Jack Johnson?"

Wow, that's…exciting stuff.

It's a great line. Too bad he stole it from Anna Karenina.

Yes, that's usually how it works. Before intercourse, you see boobs.

Oh, great. So, it's basically Gosford Park 2.

They'd probably just chuck a lot of the interesting real life story elements and turn it into a thriller where she has to punch cards rapidly.

It's downright strange that someone who became best known for performing oral sex in 70s porno did not know that the 70s porn scene had a hairy underbelly.

Which one is Joe Walsh? Harper's Bazaar or Julian Assange Part II?

I'll be unoriginal.