I doubt this is actually Mark Wahlberg posting. Hollywood actors generally don't want to engage the public on message boards, especially one as snarky as the AV Club.

I think they are all amateurs, as I doubt anyone is getting paid to be a gimmick poster.

I doubt OP is actually a centerfold model.

I think it's unlikely that the real Chris Hansen would make such a post. At least, not with his real name on it.

Cookie Monster is a fictional character depicted by a puppet onscreen. Fictional characters, by definition, cannot post on Internet message boards.

Are you really a killbot? I doubt it…

It is unlikely that guinea pigs are familiar with the works of H.P. Lovecraft or that the works of Lovecraft refer to real events involving guinea pigs.

I doubt chinchillas can distinguish sincerity from other motives. And I doubt Aunt Bethany is anybody's aunt.

Whoever is posting as the gerbil is probably just using Google and/or Wikipedia.

It is unlikely that a gerbil would be allowed to roam freely around computers.