This is the most terrifying Asian superstition I've heard of since Smoke Children.

Attention listeners! We've just received word that a dangerous criminal has escaped from a local insane asylum! Lock your doors! Close your windows! Up next, the new Madonna hit song Give Me All Your Luvin!'

Right now he's probably clinging to the underside of that slave galley Madonna rides around on.

Rushing right into marriage like that usually isn't a great idea. You need to take things slower and find out if you're really compatible for each other first. For example, "what would you do to live?" is a good way to get to know someone.

And my axe!

I'll keep that in mind, horny midget.

They don't call it the A.V. Club for nothing.

Don't worry. If I get caught, I'll just tell the truth: that Jesus Christ told me to do it. That should clear things right up.

You had to know Chris Jones wasn't getting to the final though. When he left he said he'd turned out a lot of creative dishes. Which is true, but aside from that Snow White dinner that everyone aced, I can't remember him ever making anything that actually, y'know, tasted good.

It's new, and my understanding is the last chef standing in last chance kitchen gets parachuted in to the final four. So it's kind of fair in the sense that chefs who lasted longer in the main competition get a better chance of making it back onto the show, but it still seems pretty stupid to me. When you're told to…

It would look kind of like Sergeant Hatred and Princess Tinyfeet, now that you mention it.

I liked seeing Ed go after that kid trying to take some food off his table. It might be a benefit event to fight child hunger, but that little urchin damn well better not try to steal any of Ed's bread if he knows what's good for him.

I like that fatty Sarah's idea of a "healthy" meatball still had a slice of cheese on top of it.

Just when I thought I couldn't love Grayson more, she goes and gets in a fight with Colicchio even though she landed in the winner's circle (okay, if it hadn't been a head-to-head challenge both chicken salad sandwiches probably would have been on the bottom, but still).

Sometimes I like to trot it out at parties.
Actually, I come from a wild and savagely untamed country called Canada. It's all Jack London and, uh, Mordecai Richler up here.

Goddamn! Duly noted, and I'm copying that down.
Thank you, Jesus.

If only we'd listened to that snowbilly imbecile, the wolves wouldn't be about to break through the barricades now and kill us all.

In that situation it's better to use it to make potassium nitrate for gunpowder.
If you're a corporation, I mean.

The ledge is actually a sassy black woman.

A series of long shots of each page from a Victoria's Secret catalogue could easily be the most profitable non-penetration film of 2012.