Damn
This sounds almost exactly like my screenplay "Carriage through Central Park"

But seriously guys…
Wouldn't it suck if you had to pay for music?

Have you seen pictures of the dodo? Man I'm glad that shit went extinct. Bird was fucking annoying.

Ipod most played
I don't trust my own day-to-day opinions, so I'll use the best objective measure I have, which is the most played song on my ipod.

I'll never forgive Kid Rock for ending The Simpsons for me. I knew the show was over when they had him on and made no attempt to dismantle his persona.

Atheists need to start an advertising campaign or something, like "You can be a good person without subscribing to your batshit mythology." If you want an immediate group of nice friends and invitations to every potluck in town, Mormonism is great, but giving up your intellectual honesty is a high price to pay.

Phel, you women are all the same. You go on and on about wanting to be "open" and "mature" about sex, but whenever I lead an alpaca into the bedroom it's all "pervert" this and "SPCA" that.

The black light doesn't really work if every surface is covered in semen.

PW's Apartment: It's not date rape because I never bought you dinner.

Don't hire this guy. I have everything mbs just said, plus a moustache.

"I know it's not really popular anymore to, like, you know, enjoy stuff"

Bye bye
So I haven't watched the Oscars in about 6 years but when I saw that you guys were doing a live blog I decided why not watch it and see what you were talking about. But I can't do this any more. I love movies, but this shit is making me hate movies.

Ah Penelope
Penelope Cruz wins the Oscar of boners.

Your grandmother sounds like a real bitch.

Trying to explain why a particular joke is bad is about as enlightening as trying to explain why a particular joke is good. You just have to trust your visceral response.

Because bad comedy is immoral.

When's decider coming to New York?
Come to New York and hire me (I'm pretty much a genius about everything).

Well the heart is a symbol for love, and fire is also a symbol for love, so if you follow your heart, sometimes it leads you into a fire. Marriage is a good fire, but fire also threatens marriage, so that's why you need to be fireproof, even though sometimes you have to light the fire of your marriage. But the most…

Unfortunately that statistic is somewhat balanced by the fact that guys with small dicks are 95% more likely to cry to death.

Don't feel bad Listen-to-FOB. Guys with small dicks are 15% more likely to survive accidents involving waist-high swinging blades.