There has to be a hook to get me to direct. I'd have to play two parts in the movie. Who am I, Wadvan? A brother, an ex, maybe a very attractive gay man you still have a hard time believing isn't pounding it to the ladies?

That first paragraph confuses me more than the unwashed hobo-wear Nick Miller treks the Earth in.

Stop. A regular massage is just as good. Your sexual needs will not always be met, unless I am the one providing the sexual experience.

@avclub-7f7e803ee2d1481fd805f34086a52c37:disqus Do you work at IHOP? If yes, I have a request.

First of all, "terrodaktile" is what I call monsters with erectile dysfunction. Second of all, I think colons are cooler. I'm referring to both the butt and the :

Dréuiuoom. The D is silent. It's just like Django. I still don't understand the point of silent letters.

It's not pathetic, it's practical!

I'm not on board with Jess and Nick. We're talking about Nick here, remember him? That broke crazy weirdo who pollutes the loft and steals all the food? Why on Earth would Jess go for that?

Let me tell you something, Am Tastic, or A M Tastic, or Amta Stic or whatever, I don't like this at all. I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

An episode, writing itself? That doesn't even make sense, unless we're talking personification here, in which case, I totally get it.

Look, I know exactly how this Nick-Jess relationship is going to go. It'll start out adorable and fun. They'll be going to iHop and rubbing it in all our faces. But then Nick is going to be all weird and distant, because the only commitment he has ever made is the time in college when he vowed to never eat oranges for…

I've never heard of this name ever before. Please inform me. What ethnicity is it?

Oh, stop!

I was all over that, let me tell you. I have this radar that goes ding! every time I notice a sexual reference.

Why are we even talking about this kissing stuff? Look to the left. See that picture? That's me. That space between my hands? My penis goes there. That means my penis is a very healthy and respectable size. And if a grown man doesn't get recognized for having a very healthy penis, then I don't even know what to do…

A what?

Listen, this may come as a shock to you, so I ask that you please remain seated to avoid accidental injury. I called an emergency bro summit yesterday (I just happened to be in Tanzania, you know, so we just had the summit on Mt. Kilimanjaro, obviously), and no one responded. So I don't think it's gonna work.