All I wanted was a hot roommate! I thought it would be great. She'd have lots of hot girl friends over and I'd be basking in a sea of fake breasts on lovely specimens, nonstop partying…Yes, Jessica is hot and I will always be grateful to her for bringing me Cecelia, allowing me to be an explorer in that Indian jungle,…

While the idea of Jess and Nick together is hideous, there is clearly something there, so I think Nick needs to locate his testicles under all that chubby disappointment and go talk to that doe-eyed vixen and figure this out once and for all. He can't keep avoiding the problems. Ten years I have been trying to get him…

Yes, jar! God damn jars, I hate them! Nick and Jess super-glued the lid or something, because it's harder to get into than a nun's panties.

At least I'm good at masturbation. Nick Miller has tried unsuccessfully so many times that he's cause his testicles to question their own validity.

Why is there a problem with me? Take Nick Miller, for example. He has beyond a terrible history with women. There are men on Death Row who have healthier relationships than he has had. He starts off okay…things are going fine for about five minutes. But then he morphs into this crazy irrational nut-job who just gets…

Ctrl+F "Schmidt"

It's summer now, and I'm sure all of you will be looking to pick up some ladies. Well, I am a sexually potent machine. I'm always on, baby. Always on. Can't turn this off. I'll be your wingman. I'm the wind beneath your wings. Straight up ballin'. It's how I do. Here are some tips, and pick up lines:

I'm single now. Perpetually, if you really must know. Laser cut that onto a plaque, or whatever.

Seriously, Jess is unbearable at times. A hundred percent of her listening material is love songs. What is this? Are we in a tampon commercial? It's unnecessary.

I'm doing a dishonorable thing, here, letting you peek inside the male
psyche without so much as a bribe, or a contract of a sexually consenting nature, but men, more often than not, believe they have these "dicks".

This is not off topic at all. Good for you. Does a peacock hide its feathers, or does it show them off in the best aesthetically pleasing way and say, 'here they are world, check this out'? You are the peacock, digitally enhanced dreams. You should be rewarded.

The character motivations don't matter with Schmidt, yo. What matters is that I got game. I got so much game, my street name is ESPN. Not even my real name. Just ESPN. That's what's up.

I'm appalled at how many of you find Nick Miller charming. I don't understand what's going on with the world. These days, all my plans to lure the ladies in with these defined collarbones and tight abs are ravaged. A Californian Adonis body. Useless. Valentine's Day was my holiday, okay? It's like being a president on…

@W@a@d@@van Yeah, no, I get that. I couldn't decide quick enough, and I had to deploy the natural defense mechanism of all mammals.

I can't just choose sexual partners at will. I get it, you all have sexual needs to tend to, while I wallow in a cocoon of melancholy.

I'm just trying to bring us all together, and what are you doing? You're running around, frolicking off into every crevice of this comments section looking for somewhere…I will not have you all running around out here like drunken teenagers on graduation night.

One time, Winston was wearing this huge pair of sunglasses. He looked like a black Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he was arrested for harassing women through a tinted barricade.

This was never meant to last. They can have fun eating each other's faces off for now, but Nick will come crying to me when he forgets how to properly use a condom.

How. Very. Dare. You. Wad, you are my friend and you know I care about you. And here I am, pouring my heart out to my supposed best friend… I cannot support this. We have to think about what's best for the greater good, you understand? Just think about the consequences.

I don't know how I'm going to break the news to Cece. I lost my favorite Cundies, the special underwear I wore the night she first let me into her temple of treasures.