Pursuant to AV Club Common Law, a failure reaching the magnitude of "epic" will be duly punished by immediate and painful immolation, after the liberal application of highly inflammable failsauce.

I'm going to disregard that question, and take the time to talk directly to the American people.

One Question For Dennis Quaid
Why did Vantage Point suck so bad?

Clearly you weren't trying hard enough.

Thesis
Simon Pegg's thesis intrigues me and I would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

On a more serious note: "What am I going to do with a [drama degree]?" indeed. I had a classmate in high school who planned to major in film at LMU. I guess he makes pornos now in the neighboring San Bernadino Valley.

What is this, open mic night?

Ooh, Miller you just got BURNED!

Fun With Other People's Words
Fireproof features: "Cameron saving people in the line of duty—an occupation that's useful in supplying many [profound] metaphors!" —Scott Tobias, Onion AV Club

Yes. Cf. every movie involving computers ever.

Hurricane parties.

I noticed that too; it looked more washed out, like Season One. I liked the bit where Jim kicks the cameraman out of Pam's room, and you hear him sigh.

Who's that guy?
Who is Gregg LaGambina, and what exactly did he consume in the AV Club taste test lab for the privilege of interviewing Mr. Nader?

It's true, I am illterate!
I think I voted for Nader! NADER!

They sure do at The Middle School of French Stereotypes. Nobody likes them.

You're such a loose cannon.

Disaster-tastic!
What are the odds on a ham-fisted hurricane victim tribute segment?

Heh heh. Colbert has an interesting way of pandering for an Emmy.

Careful, you'll strain your hamstring making logical leaps like that!

Geography
"[The] isthmus, the pussiest landmass in all of geography…"