Failed Finalsies. A pox of AidsCancer on ye.

I hate Led Zeppelin, but I love Robert Plant for his refusal to humor Page's misguided efforts to do some lame reunion gig. At least Plant's trying to do some new music; Page has been recycling Zep albums since 1981.

I've never been so glad to click on so many "Embedding disabled by request" windows. So, people actually purchase these songs, and claim to enjoy listening to them?

Declaring oneself mentally incompetent after a relatively minor offense, only to be revealed later as truly insane?

"I can't tell where Lenny begins and Carl ends!"

Thank God. The only decent thing Jack Black ever did post-"High Fidelity" was that track on the Probot album. Everything else with his face on it makes me want to punch, punch, punch, and keep on punching until the pucnching is done.

I like Elizabeth Shue's shower scene from "Leaving Las Vegas". Monica Belluci in "Irreversible" was pretty hot as well.

The plastic microphones with the reverb spring in them are pretty fun.

I hated all this shit the first time around. Reading this column is like picking a scab.

The music tells me how I'm supposed to feel!

"Assault with a Concrete Dildo?!?"

Surely a great loss to anyone who has ever wired a microphone into an industrial-grade drill press.

You have the right idea, littlealex…I was way into software & laptops a few years back, but mouse-clicks can't replicate the knobs & pads of good old-fashioned hardware. The Roland 404sx— which, incidentally, I'm a mouse-click away from purchasing— sounds like what you're looking for. Combine it with one of those…

I've got an Akai XR20. Amazing piece of hardware. I think I'm going to ask Santa for a Roland SP404…or one of those cast-iron Digitech whammy pedals. I'll be rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun!

Am I just sick,
…or does anyone else think this thing looks like it should be violently raping wide-eyed Japanese schoolgirls?

Yeah, she looked great in those Playboy photos.

Hey, these movies keep the guys at Rifftrax in business. In fact, I rented "Crossroads" specifically for this purpose. The lady at the video store was all, "You know this is the Britney Spears one, not the Steve Vai one, right?"

He still had two arms when they recorded "Photograph".

I'll say it again: all women turn insane at about age 30. And if they haven't had children (as is obviously the case with this one), they go even crazier.

Bristol's kind of cute. Too bad she probably has those giant, flapping post-childbirth pussy lips.