His tour dates go all the way up to eleven! See? Eleven, eleven…

Only fearless people stare at a solar eclipse. Oh, and idiots.

Tucker has only two emotions, and only one facial expression for both.

He's also in the middle of a growth spurt. I'm torn between feeling empathy for this young man and hanging shit on him for looking so damn bored every time I see him.

The only words missing from Tucker's mouth is "Fearless Leader."

Oh my God, now there's a Japanese pox!?

In that case Tucker Carlson should quit attempting comedy because he absolutely sucks at it, just like most everything in life.

It's the pointing upwards as he looks at the eclipse AGAIN that kills me. It reminded me of Bruce Lee's famous quote from Enter the Dragon:
"Do not concentrate on the finger or you will miss all of the heavenly glory!"

BUILD THAT NARWAHL!

It's the perfect encapsulation of Trump's hatred of science, nature, being outdoors, average Americans, common sense, and following simple instructions so as not to hurt yourself.

I would've voted for Jim Backus's corpse long before I ever vote for Trump.

It looks to me like someone grabbed a random indigenous boy, dressed him in expensive clothes, put product in his hair, and let him loose on a red carpet.

Only for the wind to change & ultimately kill everyone from The Happening.

Zingers aren't the same now that Hostess took over the brand name. Bastards. At least there are red coconut knock-off snack cakes I can get at the discount bakery.

Microwaved Moon-Pie: YES! or NO?

Why don't you go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut?
Why don't you go take a flying fuck at the MOOOOOOOOOOOON (Pie)?

Eleanor Rigby was forty-four when she died. I'm forty-five now. Nobody's ever written a song about me. I've been sung to, but no one's immortalized my name in song. Now I'm bummed.

If only there were a super-rich English dude who had tenuous connections to the thing…

I can safely say I'm not the world's creepiest Feebles fan.

Deezen looks like a Jerry Lewis mimic whose name sounds like a Jerry Lewis noise.