"My inner-beauty app has rendered you a rainbow-colored sunflower. I so wish you could see you right now. And yes, I do play mandolin."

My sense is that, in this reimagining, The Thing's superpower is to get all up in your face and unleash homophobic epithets at you while secreting Axe body spray.

Would that rule apply in the case of a formal title? I'm skeptical.

Say three Hail Mary's and two Pledge of Allegiances, and you will be forgiven for your blasphemy.

Hmmm. Being introduced to the music of Fishbone is definitely worth a broken collarbone, but the broken skull makes it a tough call. One more classic after Give a Monkey a Brain… would definitely sweeten the deal.

Yeah, as soon as I posted I was like, "Oh, this is going to get the fuck downvoted out of it."

Every day is a day to learn and grow!

"So, guys, what's it like to be able to have everything you've ever wanted?"

Fuck is kind of wack, if you think about it.

For real, though? Totally badass way to fuck a dude over. I can just see the big grin that was on PSH's face as he tied up his arm. I bet he was all like, "I almost feel sorry for you, Drake," and then cackled a bit, right before he shot up.

My vag was scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked—until I tried Summer's Eve.

My mom actually died on a hill, so I find the phrase incredibly insensitive.

That traffic circle is metal as fuck.

Expendabelles 10: If Schwarzenegger Had Bigger Tits

Oh, cheer up. Kim Kardashian will be refereeing the match in a bikini made from the hair of corpses recently exhumed from a mass grave in the Congo!

Exactly. If the silver lining isn't that the laws of physics and human anatomy allow the possibility of DMX shattering the bridge of Zimmerman's nose such that bone fragments pierce his frontal lobe, thereby rendering him a bigger fucking retard than he is already, then there is no silver lining.

RACIST

The cruise will debut on the S.S. Cheese Fart, a 60-story oceanliner painted red, white, and blue, and shaped like an engorged, slightly upward-pointing cock.

The McRib is made from possum taint.

That fourth floor tom really is the difference between a good song and a great song.