She's knitting a children's book!

Wait, are you sure the cartoon isn't about a plaid jumper that lives in a haunted thrift store?

Emphasis on "stroke."

This just in: Mario Lopez cast as the Joker. YOU'RE FUCKED.

I'll be surprised if Eisenberg is anything but an outstanding, adolescent Lex Luthor, keenly expressing the gawky young man he was before he became a villain. Still I'm anxious to see who is cast to play the diabolical, adult Lex.

No, but he treated countless mentally ill teenagers via lobotomy.

I'll be disappointed if a 300-foot Robert Plant doesn't pleasure Lady Liberty with a shark, but I have extremely high standards.

Which, in a mischievous twist, is really about loan sharks!

Remember how they both ended up sucking balls? Even at age 13 I thought that was fucking hilarious.

*Pours out a Bud Light, not in remembrance of Spuds, but because it tastes like a watery barley fart.*

Faygo lies blindfolded and beaten in a subterranean prison beneath the secret headquarters of the Juggalo Alliance.

Bud Light all the way. Spuds Mckenzie is coaching them this year.

R.C., the Luxembourg of the Cola Wars, laughs maniacally as it prepares to make its move at last, after 30 years of neutrality.

Or "Tastes Great" vs. "Less Filling."

"Um, Prince, as your attorney I should advise you that a million dollars, to these folks that you're suing, is like what a billion dollars is to you. It's a lot of fucking money, and not just the amount they spend annually on purple velvet jackets."

Look man, how are we supposed to know if a dude with a guitar is any good if he doesn't look like Walt Whitman's motherfucking cobbler?

After "flying the friendly skies" of United, there's nothing I like more than enjoying my complimentary bath salts in a One King with Sofabed Nonsmoking room at the DoubleTree.

Real award or no, I find the Grammys an opportunity to explore all the hot new acts out there. In fact I've just ordered this year's Best Rock Album from Amazon (two-day shipping!). I have no idea who this "Led Zeppelin" is, but given how they've misspelled "lead," they sound deliciously irreverent!

Actually I don't think that's Shia. I'm pretty sure it's Makhmadsaid Grigyan (aka "M-Grig"), who is basically Tajikistan's K-Fed.

h) Going Morrison.