Oh shit. I thought that was Miley Cyrus.

Um, Thrashin' is so much more than a silly skateboard movie. It has more 80s tropes per second than any other film from that decade, and is far and away my favorite terrible movie, but also one of my favorite movies.

I think the Unplugged show will reveal that, beneath the studio gloss and polish, Miley's songs stand alone as nuanced, transcendental moments, and that "Miley Cyrus" has always been, and always will be, a girl and her songs.

Shit yes this is going to send me into a week-long Buzzcocks tailspin. Been a while, admittedly.

So far so good: mother thoughtfully omitted pork products, which Islamic dietary restrictions forbid me to eat, from this morning's breakfast. Instead she made me chocolate chip pancakes with a whipped cream smiley face.

Congratulations. You're hired!

An apartment with three guys? That's an open and shut case, folks.

No, they call them water closets. They're all like, "Eh bird, what say I put my crisps [penis] in your water closet?"

To womb are you referring?

I guess I don't find the idea of the show all that tawdry, given that every apartment I pass on the lonely streets at night is like a sex box, the likes of which I fear I shall never be welcomed into, because I am so, so wretched.

"You know, Dan, I've done better. My hand seemed to be thinking about itself the whole time. Or, God forbid, about another penis. Though as far as I know it's only cheated on me with my butthole."

Mailbox.

Just Prayin' Around

His face screams, "I like to corner waitresses at P.F. Chang's, on the way to the men's room, and whisper terrible things into their ears."

If it makes a difference, the show is actually called "Salvation." With quotation marks.

Circled? Ha Ha!

Actually, it was the Academy's lipstick from the previous evening. And I don't think they are allowed to award themselves Best Makeup, or any other award for that matter.

Now we just need to find a way to turn my balls into a musical!

"Pumped Up Kicks" is the soundtrack to slitting your femoral artery.

"Stage Production of The Shining Should Be Overlooked"