Not since little Oliver Twist sang "Where Is Love?" have we heard a child-ballad as heart-rending as Danny's "Red, Red Rum."

In an ironic twist, real Chicago cops do resemble amorphous blobs—at least way more than they resemble the chiseled Hipster of Cialis who's apparently the star of this horseshit.

You're either the fastest motherfucker on the road, or you're a complete piece of shit. There is no in between.

Especially when they wear their matching plaid jumpers.

I don't know what Ultra HD means exactly, but if there's a god, it means a boxing glove springs from your TV (think Data's trench coat from Goonies, here) and punches you in the balls from time to time.

That seems realistic to me. Of course I can't imagine the show consisting of much more than a head shot of a fat girl crying, with a group of miniature spray-tanned bullies twerking across the bottom of the screen every three minutes or so. And I mean every episode.

That sounds about right. Particularly if two of those guys are Jimmy Buffet and the dude who wrote that pina colada song.

Kokomo.

Oh, so it's not going to be NBC's next musical? I was misled then.

He took it to Daniel Day Lewis extremes, living as an actual vagina for two weeks.

We are clearly nearing his artistic zenith, the inevitable "Trapped in the Pussy" saga, which I imagine as a sort of homage to Jonah and the Whale.

"Bickering with the Pussy While Trying to Assemble an Ikea Bookshelf"
"Pretending Not to Notice the Pussy Angrily Unloading the Dishwasher"

Fuck. Now I know that that band exists. And it makes me furious.

Top Gun Too: Top Guns

Well, the prototype was discovered in the Congo and glows during thunderstorms. Beyond that, it's best not to ask questions. Just insert the Follicle Restoration Device (or "hair-loss spoon") into your anus and keep it there for half an hour, once every morning, and watch your hair grow like fucking crazy.

What great news! It's important for our children to understand that the power of the Internet can bring their dead pets back to life, and that if they don't come back to life it's because they went to hell where nothing escapes.

I'm intrigued! I find that people who have been told they are exceptional every day of their lives and are denied nothing have incredible senses of humor.

He looks like a referee for the 2013 World Date Rape Championship in that photo.

Seriously. It's only the ones worth listening to who are black.

An epic battle between good and evil, over a small order of Satisfries from Burger King.