"Thou shalt make me look like Kenny Loggins in all paintings forever and ever." —Jesus

lol he knows what it's called what a nerd

"No one ever." - Everyone

Coincidentally I gained 1.5 reverse inches of penis. Yeah, it's ingrown.

But how many colons are horrifically abused each Thanksgiving when half-digested Tofurkey plugs in its guitars and commences a 12-hour death metal show?

Actually the finger-banging activates hormones that make the turkey extra tender, so I kind of get that part.

I'm surprised Morrissey omitted from his description the fact that trukeys are also given the finger just before the throat-slitting. That seems unnecessary.

For which films?

There is a 93.6% overlap between those who signed this petition and the counter-protesters who stood in line for hours to support Chik-Fil-A's stance against same-sex marriage, if my statistical models can be trusted.

I think I'd be ashamed to know exactly how often my attempts at humor are subconsciously derived from The Onion.

Hey, you want a show about a loony bin, you oughtta put a camera in my office. This place is nuts!

In a world without technology, we might look each other in the eye again, god forbid. We might remember how to laugh.

I try to explain to these bitches that all the sex they're not having with me is making them crazy, but they just laugh and turn to their friends and say, "My, what a funny little homo!" which is just plain rude, so no sympathy.

Like when Jesus chewed out the money changers, trashed the Temple, and then beat the shit out of Rihanna?

Maybe he wouldn't have an anger problem if we stopped pissing him off.

I'm surprised the PTC hasn't picked up on this, but the Bible tells us that an unclean vessel may not enter into Heaven, and wearing shit-dabbed toilet paper balls on your asshole ain't my idea of clean, nor is it likely the Lord's.

Bravo to condemning Burlington Coat Factory, which, if you ask me, should be called Burlington Slut Factory.

I think the Hawaiian shirt shows are proprietary to Jimmy Buffet, who also owns the rights to Tasmanian Devil tattoo shows.

I heard if you don't dress up you get tased in the privates.

I see that I am in the minority here, but this is a sad day. How are we to successfully pass this story to the next generation if we don't try to accommodate their frame of cultural reference?