[FARTS]

Hey, what do you think would happen if a roid-addled greaseball millionaire half-wit, grappling with the decay of his body, actually read about the actionists and abstract expressionists in an art history book his mistress gave him for his birthday? I kind of wonder if he would empty the shelves of the nearest art…

I hear they have girls at them.

Well, good luck to your team. I know what an intense, if irrational, emotional investment playoff baseball is.

Because it's like eating poop.

Careful, everybody. The German chocolate cake recipe calls for a switchblade between layers.

Personally, I can't wait to try his "Breaded Lamb Shank That Motherfucking Snitch."

I don't know. The casting director has earned my trust with the choice to cast the real Elton John as his own grandmother.

You said male parts.

It sounds like the name of a Streisand standards album you could buy in the checkout lane at Whole Foods.

He's just messing with you. They're physically incapable of deceit during intercourse. I read about it on Snopes.

Maybe it's about kids faking their deaths. And then at the funeral Ashton jumps out of a truck and says to the parents, "Your daughter is definitely dead!"

And they didn't even have to vow to spend the rest of their lives with Kanye?Lucky little bastards.

It was a typo. He meant reverse cowboy, which would involve a strap-on.

That earthquake came almost exactly 24 years too soon.

Just when you think Kanye is the greatest egomaniac of our time, he throws a curveball like this (pun intended!) and demonstrates his unfathomable capacity to express just how important it is that he loves the broad he knocked up.

"Any little song that you know, everything that's small has to grow. And you know that it ALWAYS grows. I'm talking about my cock becoming engorged with blood, ladies!"

I'm sorry, what?

Bro is basically Scott Thompson's twin now.

Dude, are you saying Aladdin wasn't sexy? I still get an instant bone every time I hear Robin Williams' voice. That genie was basically naked!