From Ikea with Love

As I Lay in the Laundry Room Sucking Dick for a Week of Protection on the Basketball Court

You know, I gotta chalk this one up to bad luck: domestic murder plots like these are almost never foiled or discovered after the fact. And the victim never has an enraged, inconsolable sister who says, "She told me she thought he would try to kill her some day."

Dr. Drew's first step to recovery is admitting he's an asshole.

Corky.

And in a hilarious reversal, all of the men who try it on proudly boast, "It doesn't fit! Ain't mine, man. Waaaaaay too fucking small."

Well yeah, considering no one there speaks British.

Music and lyrics by Survivor or GTFO.

Was it us?

My faves:

This one hurts. George helped me through some tough times as a Yankee transplanted to Alabama for a few years. Today I'll be remembering muggy, melancholy nights drinking on the front porches of Tuscaloosa.

I was going to say—sounds like Friday night.

He calls it "The Clit Broom."

Unfortunately, I can imagine it: he would keep tickling you and giggling until you went mad.

Perspective: a lot of people really like to eat at Shoney's.

I'm intrigued that, with a donation large enough, I could name one of the characters. I have therefore just begun my own Kickstarter campaign to raise a donation that would allow me to name the main character "Queefy Dildoboobs."

Look, I'm not saying Obama's a communist, I'm just asking a simple question: why doesn't he deny the allegations? If he's not a great big commie, shouldn't it be the easiest thing in the world to come out and show us some proof, like a Sam's Club card or something? Where is his Sam's Club card?

Why Have U 4-Saken Me?

Okay.

Seriously, I really don't see how Anne Frank would have been able to resist mindlessly worshiping a public idol so adept at stirring the masses into a terrible frenzy—such that, if asked, they would joyfully carry out his most heinous fantasies.