I'm pretty sure that's Gargamel—back when he was a Communications major at Oberlin.

Oh really, smart guy? Then explain to me how it's possible to get the words to match up with the cartoons' moving mouths if you don't have brilliant comedic timing?

Dude, fuckin' Marlon and Bill. That's like the stand-up equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters and Scooby-Doo appearing in the same cartoon.

Whatever you call it, weed-movie protocol requires a scene where the co-captain asks the captain, "Hey man, how fast are we going?"

Same here. I found $649 to be reasonable for the opportunity to drink a dozen blue Hawaiians and, clumsily swaying in front of the stage and possibly peeing my pants, stare hate into the soul of McGrath as he croons, "I just want to cruise. Come on, everybody sing!"

I wonder if Morrissey would feel different if he knew that ducks are among the few genuses of animal whose social structure includes rape (that genus being, hilariously, Anas). Lots and lots of rape.

If they mated, she would spawn a school of hermaphroditic cave fish.

Yes.

And then Katie Holmes slinks up beside him in an oversize sweatshirt and says, "Remember when we were kids and would pretend a giant squid lived at the bottom of this vagina?"

to stop mailing her crayon drawings of your weiner?

Hard. Very, very hard.

He sucks dicks—Travolta, for instance.

A battery rolls onto the range and you catch fire. Go to Burn Ward.

I've seen what happens when werewolves and mermaids have intercourse, and it ain't pretty. They have weremaids, which are basically mermaids with fangs, claws, and hairy titties. Okay, it's kind of pretty.

I can only assume he ends each segment by turning to camera 2, flashing the peace sign and saying, "Shamone."

Oh, no, they're banning the sale of "flesh for food," not the sale of flesh for crack. You're good.

I am eager to confirm my theory that Silent Bob's silence is not, in fact, a byproduct of an active, philosophical mind. I fully expect his ongoing inner monologue to be along the lines of Boobies, puppies, mashed potatoes.

Rory Dog in the hooooooooooooooooooooooouse!

And her farts sound like the Pillsbury Doughboy's giggles.

"Look fellas, it's the credibility of this franchise crashing to the ground!"