*ahem*

In what way am I better off as Ted?
Handsome, successful, rich, and not yet dead.
Why do these networks rub it in my face?
My anger at my state doth grow apace.

Well, ba, at least you're honest with your tastes,
But I prefer my women with wide waists.

The Tempest was a dramedy: these fools
Wouldn't judge quality if given rules!

Retelling wars 'twixt Lancasters and Yorks
Is pastime fit for undiscerning dorks.

I'd wondered why she held her head askance,
And now the answer's put me in a trance.

I'd sometimes wondered why she held her head askance,
And now the answer's put me in a trance.

Adults should be embarrassed to admire
Pinkerton, which doth stumble off the wire.
Its adolescent themes are hard to stand,
And this when Cuomo's art was near at hand.
Whoever says he likes it is a joker.
Everything after Blue is mediocre.

Arousal by a turgid soap?
Better to look for sex in Pope.

The only compensation for this hell
Of lower taste in which I have to dwell:
Mexican soaps, whose manner is so crude,
They act for me as sentimental food.
Characters have no inner lives, are crass,
Are never fazed by aught that comes to pass,
And yet they draw my fascinated eye:
Before such spectacle, my wit does fly.
I love…

The geographic circle of Ice-T
Is bounded only by the endless sea!
But Laurie has to find some new attack:
New Orleans is beyond him—he's not black.

Lemme break character for a second. I hope you meant "Holy cow, that was awful" or "Holy cow, don't you have a girlfriend?" because all that is clearly just pseudo-Popean doggerel.

Ill-spoken sidekicks, comic, kind, and black,
Would suit this film—the rantings of a hack.

He won't be calling on the deeper muse
Of Johnson, but he'll be no shame to blues.
How many men have traded on a love,
Once truthful, that their music would disprove?
Clapton comes straight to mind, cloying the ear;
One wishes he'd retire from his career.
Others betrayed their love through hulking sound:
Led Zeppelin, for…

Whatever man may seek to do in art,
From one strict rule he may not e'er depart:
To measure his own work on what it earns,
For quality the public ne'er discerns.
How can one say: "My film is best of all!"
If it's less known than doggerel in a stall?
One may appeal, against this thrust, to taste,
But such an argument is…

It seems John Constantine believes that art
That came before the modern age's part
Was finery, not worth long preservation.
But lo! such thinking leads to desolation!
When Hector first took arms 'neath Homer's hand,
Could he be by hexameter unmanned?
When Hamlet fretted o'er his in-turned knife,
Did Shakespeare's meter rob…

Abstract what others feel, what others think,
All pleasures sicken, and all glories sink:
Each has his share; and who would more obtain,
Shall find the pleasure pays not half the pain.

I met Mahershalalhashbaz Ali,
But couldn't say his name 'til parted we.

Kenny G's wrath, to Prince the direful spring
Of woes unnumber'd, heavenly goddess, sing!
That wrath which hur'ld Corvettes to Pluto's tomb,
Withheld smooth tones from ev'ry waiting womb,
And brought forth Kenny's mighty saxophone,
Laid low the great until two stood alone
To struggle o'er the Internet—in vain!
As fell an…

When thou'rt a Spy, important 'tis to note
Thy well-laid Plans can never go by Rote:
Some Blackguard may Contrivances betray,
Leaving thy Pow'rs in spiteful Disarray.
Alertness, then, the key to thy Success,
Upon thy Mind thou must do well t'impress.