It's her voice now that's the problem; along with being a marginal talent - hardly a death-knell in Hollywood for an attractive, notorious performer - the cigarettes have reduced her voice to a smoky, throaty rasp. Every line she speaks, it sounds like she has a Marlboro red-top still burning just off screen; and she…

Hi There!

Thank you Chancellor, I'll take it under advisement.

^^^This cuts to the heart of the matter more closely than anything else I've heard, seen or read since the whole sorry situation came to my attention. Then again I am slightly inebriated at the moment, so that may change pending eight hours of snooze, coffee and sobriety. Kudos tho sir, kudos indeed…

Shit man, that's legitimately fucking dreadful: puts my lovelorn crappy crap into perspective. Like I said, STIs have to be a factor in whether I unleash the shitstorm or not, or at least how long I'm prepared to wait to happen upon a smoking gun.

Yeah, like I say I was trying to remove me/her from the equation of to tell/not to tell, but I guess it's indivisible at this point. I am kind of tied to the place: I own a business here that I have been building up for a few years, and cashing in/buggering off now would pretty much scupper my investment and plans for…

You are of course entirely right: unfortunately, because of the nature of my business - I work and live in town, she does not - I am a lot more tied in to the craic than she is. If he's running a numbers game with the women in town - it might work in a big city, places like this not so much -then he's either really…

I do know a few of her female friends aye - it's an idea, but I would hate to think of her humiliation with a whispering campaign and more & more people knowing before she does. Less so if it's done sooner I guess, but if it's just town tattle - that ultimately traces directly back to me - is it any better? Another…

Wasn't there a poster called 'Curious Oranj' knocking around these boards a while back? Had an 'Edward from League of Gentlemen' avatar if I recall…

So what you're saying is, I want the moon on a stick?

Dear Savage Dik,

Because Raylan used Dewey's gun, which as a condition of his release he was not supposed to have in his possession. Call it Harlan Karma.

I've been a fan since Spaced, and I don't think the trilogy could have been finished in any finer or more fitting way. Edball took all the technical mastery he learned from Scott Pilgrim Versus The World and brought it back to another wonderfully incongruous corner of small-time life in England. Simon Pegg's part was…

"Look he's got a bomb!"

Really? I can't think of anything grater!

Oh, the socks…

Just so you know, I think this is all fucking great advice. I have considered the pitfalls of idealizing past relationships, and I agree that your brain can trick you into thinking your failed relationship was damn-near perfect; out of loneliness, or lack of support, or just the mild discomfort of having someone close…

Dear Savage Dik,

Please add to this the Joker's street party in Tim Burton's Batman:
Pre-TAFKAP-era Prince songs!
A purple-suited, funkdancing Jack Nicholson!
Big-ass parade balloons!
Free money!
Batman vs/ Joker prize-fight!
Impending, near-inevitable death!

If no-one has checked out "The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" - written and directed by its star, Gene Wilder - then I heartily suggest it as an underrated gem of the genre. It features a few Brooks stalwarts - Kahn, Feldman & Dom DeLuise - and is as an affectionate and hilarious a parody as you'll…