Um… they kinda are, though. If not, my company has some explaining to do.

You've spent dozens of spring breaks in Myrtle Beach? So you've been in college for … 25 years?

No, the scene in which I literally shot beer out my nose I laughed so hard was when the were trying to track down the Chinese girl:

And we'll find Kirk Cameron passed out on a pile of used condoms in an East LA Motel Six with a 15-year-old tranny prostitute and 37 grams of meth in 3… 2… 1…

If you want VH fans to stop hating you, that was NOT the way to do it. "Right Now" BLOWS.

…and that would be an erection.

"Important Music" is a term used (by me) to describe rock and roll that attempts to be deep or profound, address social or political injustices or philosophical questions, and often seeks to drive that point home by creating a somber tone through production that is either a stark and acoustic or soaring and…

No love for "Main Street," eh? Huh.

Boobs indeed.Her little bounce during the Bronx Beat skit on SNL will stay with me all of my days. I will never look at Elmo the same way. Although Kate Upton doing the Dougie is giving her a run for her money—wow.

Yes, I must concur: I'll give you two words for the worst your generation had to offer: Kottonmouth Kings. It's like being ear raped. Oh yeah, and what was that other band that enjoyed brief popularity among a small cult of fans? Oh yeah—Limp Bizkit.

Well, that was sort of my point: They never have. However, they HAVE made a lot of Music That Sounds Important But Is Really Overproduced Maudlin Garbage.

But that's just it: The songs aren't otherwise good—they suck. They just add grandiose production to them and string together a bunch of seemingly heavy lyrics and themes to make the songs sound powerful and profound, while in fact they're anything but.

It's funny; I've been describing Pearl Jam as the "Grand Funk Railroad of the '90s" for as long as I can remember, so to have them both in this feature is sort of vindication.

311's "Down." The fact that they are an awful, awful band is hardly a secret, but good lord is that a catchy song.

Yeah, I actually find them somewhat sufferable. That chick's "I'm an innocent doe in a dark forest of wolves!" facial expressions really try my patience, though.

Oh, and another thing: BURP!

What the hell does he have tattooed on his forearm? It looks like roaches being herded between two slices of bacon.

I've never seen anything like it. I'm from San Fran, and we get crap about having a Starbucks on every corner, but the last time I went to Boston, there was literally a Dunkin Donuts on EVERY corner. We hit one intersection where the was a Dunkin Donuts on all four corners plus a gas station that had a Dunkin Donuts…

That is true: the coffee in Costa Rica is spectacular. I don't know why; they just just grind it and put it in a drip pot like anywhere else, but holy crap is it tasty.

Don't taze me, Dawes.